How I Overcame 33 Years of Suffering With an Eating Disorder

How I Overcame 33 Years of Suffering With an Eating Disorder_Julie Gauthier_Author & Eating Disorder Recovery Advocate

An eating disorder is a condition characterized by irregular eating habits that can take many shapes and forms. The spectrum is vast and ranges from anorexia and bulimia through to binge eating disorders. Some cases may be so mild that we don’t associate them with being a problem. And that’s because, despite the name, eating disorders are about more than food.

In 2016, it was recorded that approximately 1 million Canadians have been diagnosed with an eating disorder. While globally, eating disorder prevalence increased from 3.4% to 7.8% between 2000 and 2018. That's a shocking number!

Here’s the shining light; you don’t have to struggle alone.

You shouldn't have to feel like there is no hope. You needn’t feel broken or less than presentable to the rest of the world. The truth is that so many of us struggle with this, yet we are afraid to seek out help because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. This post will tell you how I overcame an eating disorder, and how you can find peace during your recovery and mental wellness.

Taking the first step

Can I be honest with you? I never believed recovery was possible.

I’ll rephrase that; I never believed recovery was possible for me.

When others were telling me that they were in recovery, I didn’t really believe them. I thought recovery was an illusion of the mind, something unattainable and inaccessible. This skepticism stopped me from moving forward for myself. Even when I thought I was trying I could find all the excuses for it not to work.

I felt my soul was empty, slowly dying, evaporating from my body. I used those defense mechanisms (eating disorders) to deflect my feelings so I could protect myself from being hurt for showing up as I was. I wasn’t showing up authentically because I felt unworthy. My desire to be seen, heard and loved for who I am was so deeply buried inside me because of my limiting beliefs - although my soul was longing deeply for it.

In my mind, I was broken.

Yet despite my hesitation and my incredibly strong doubts on the effectiveness and possibility of recovering from an eating disorder, I still went to treatment.

I had a glimpse of hope that I was wrong within my beliefs.

I wanted to try something I never tried before: getting help from others instead of trying to win that battle alone. It didn’t take long for the act of going to treatment to become my reason to live - something I was waiting for. Something I was looking forward to.

Re-writing my story - literally

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most difficult journeys I have undertaken in my life. However, I am now (finally!) healing from my 33 years of self-doubt, low self-esteem, lack of self-love and suffering. Up until recently, I’ve never felt that my voice is one worth listening to, or that my experience is unique enough to tell others about.

But healing is about the process of rediscovering one’s strength, self-worth, and self-love.

Journaling and writing about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my triggers and my experience has been a cathartic part of my therapy. I wrote my story to help others on their path to:

Shine a light on hope
Speak and live your truth
Learn to forgive yourself
Let go of what no longer serves you
Speak and live your authentic truth
Validate your emotions and feelings during times of struggle
Use your values to navigate your day-to-day life
Use your inner critic in a positive and constructive way
Be inspired and inspire others with your own vulnerability, courage, and strength
Be your own hero!

The limitations, the self-doubts, the deflections and the self-destructive behaviours existed for a reason and they served their purpose…

AND

If you want to live a fulfilled life filled with love and joy during this lifetime, you have to find a way to make peace with what you are trying to bury for so long. I am not saying it is easy nor linear, but it is worth it.

If I could go back in time and tell myself anything about recovery, it would be two things. The first is that no matter how intense your feelings of self sabotage are in the moment, they will subside and get better. The second thing is this; recovery is not a straight line. It is an exhausting climb up a jagged mountain of self-doubt before you finally reach the top and can begin your descent into healing and wellness.

And, remember that

Healing is about the process of rediscovering one’s strength, self-worth, and self-love.

Believe you have the strength to make that choice.

If you’d like to understand the more intimate details of eating disorder recovery, I invite you to read my memoir. You’ll find your purchasing options below.

Much Love,